I didn’t know you, but I see how many people did. You are so loved my darling. It’s not that I “care now that you’re gone”. It’s just that it aches my heart that someone as beautiful as you seem couldn’t find the worth in the beauty of this life. And even if you did see the worth, that it wasn’t enough. Not that anybody who wasn’t you can ever “get it”, but for what it’s worth, I do try to. Life is hard. Unfair. Nonsensical. Often times, it’s impossible to see its purpose, that is, if there even is one. Nobody chose to be born: to follow rules, to pay bills, to be in debt, to work for most of their life, to go through terrible heartbreak, to feel like they have to force smiles on days they just can’t even feel ok. Nobody chose this life so I do my best to understand when those who would rather have a choice act on that freedom. I wish it didn’t come to that of course, but I try to understand. I am sorry though.
I’m sorry that you had to live with the viscious disease of depression. I’m sorry that there were days when you couldn’t get out of bed because you were sad, scared, or just numb. I’m sorry that you didn’t live to see your 20’s. I’m sorry that you felt so alone. I’m sorry for your parents, your sisters, your love, your dog, teachers and many friends. I’m sorry that the emotions that told you it wasn’t worth it won the battle that was inevitably happening in your head every day. I’m sorry that you had to take your last breath so young. I’m sorry that nobody could help you. I’m sure you had good days too, but I’m sorry that they weren’t enough; that this life wasn’t enough.
But I hope that during the good times you did have, you soaked in the warmth of the sun and embraced your friendships. That you felt intense love and were genuinely happy, even if just for the day, hour or moment. I hope that where you are now offers the beauty, reason and peace that you couldn’t find here. I hope that your soul, being, light- whatever it is we are- feels freedom from your choice to leave this world. And if it’s just black I hope that it’s just as calm. You deserve serenity, quiet and ease.
I want you to know that even if I didn’t know you, you’re on my mind a lot. And that on my good days- when I’m sitting on a sandy beach with the gentle wind blowing my hair, looking out to the ocean and feeling full of life- you’re welcome to pop into my mind. I don’t think your decision was cowardly. I don’t even think it was selfish. You just wanted to find the peace that everyone longs for. So I want you to know that on the days that I find peace with being alive, I will be thinking of you.